Doctor Definition

I have been thinking a bit about the definition of a doctor.  If you look it up in the dictionary under physician you will find “healer”.  This is one of those words that I think we have applied added meaning to.  When I hear healer I think of one who cures, fixes, or rids the body of ailments.  Maybe it’s me that is adding extra meaning- what do you think when you hear healer? In actuality, doctors don’t do this.  What we do is alter the environment. We help design circumstances that lets the body do what it is purposed to do.  When you get an infection, like pneumonia for instance- running fevers, coughing up unmentionable substances, unable to catch your breath –the good ol’ doc writes out a script for an antibiotic.  What does the medicine actually do? It weakens the bug to allow your own body’s bug killers to fight the infection.  When we treat diabetes with insulin or meds, we don’t cure the diabetes. The condition remains; we just supplement the body with insulin- attempting to mimic the natural way it was designed to run.  What about pain medication?  When we injure ourselves and take Tylenol or Motrin- aren’t we really just hiding the pain until our body fixes itself? Ultimately, any medication a doctor gives is attempting to recreate what the original ideal intention was or the medication is altering the environment to allow the natural processes to be effective.  I don’t cure or rid the body of anything. However, here in lies the crux: technically to heal means “to make whole or sound”.  Is designing an environment that permits the body to act naturally, in fact, making something whole? Perhaps it is I who has made the word healer greater than it is, when in actuality a healer is simply guiding the body to wholeness and not curing or fixing. In the end I suppose it doesn’t matter, whether I am a healer or a constructor of circumstance will depend on you and what your definitions are.

Waking

At times it’s helpful for me to think of myself in two parts- me, and my brain.  This is especially true when waking in the morning. When it's much too early to rise, I prefer the shadow me wakes. As "I" turn to look at the clock, I do so gently - like a mother peeking in on her infant child, not wishing to disturb the peaceful sleep. Whatever I do, I don't want to wake my brain. When the brain awakes it does so with the energy and speed of a roller coaster. There is no stopping the processing, no way to slow the eagerness to tackle the day’s foreseen challenges.  While this might seem ideal at the appropriate time of getting up, it is a mighty hassle when the brain decides to wake at 3 am, or worse 30 mins before it's time to get out of bed.  I have tried through the years to find ways to coax my brain back to sleep when it's sleeping time, but have found nothing to slow the electrical impulses once sparked. Thus when "I" awake at odd hours I will continue to move gingerly, lifting only one eyelid to peer at the time, and pray that my other self slumbers on!

College days

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:  My parents say goodbye to my brother after dropping him off at college. 

The weekend was a constant barrage of thoughts and emotions, both witnessed and experienced.  My brother, the last of 4, moved into college this weekend.  Being on a campus again brought back memories from my college days.  I have conflicting feelings when I think about going back and doing college again.  There is part of me that says "thank GOD" all that is over - I would really not like to repeat the last 10 years of school AGAIN.  BUT, there is also a certain part that thinks it would be fun to start again.  Especially if I could know what I know now.  I would make friends with really extreme people of different walks of life, I would possibly pick some other career, and definitely slow down. There seems to be a rush to life once college ends- hurry up and get married, hurry up and get a job, hurry up and start a family. People are always speeding to something.  Colleges are a place to just "be".  People lie on the grass and take naps in mid day, throw Frisbees after supper and talk for hours in the communal bathrooms after brushing their teeth.  When else does that happen in life!  

So, to my brother and all others starting college- enjoy.  If it's possible, open your eyes wider to cement these years into your brain. Even in the sadness of leaving family and loved ones, make that a memory- it's all a part of the experience of this time.

Orchid

I've always heard stories from "the good ol days" of patients actually bringing their doctors corn or a chicken as a thank you.  This habit, I am told, also happens in rural areas where the family doc still is a family friend.  Here in the city, and as a realaitvley new doctor, I thought these stories were more folk tale than truth. Well, it is truth now. 

One of my new patients, a 77 year old man who has survived 4 different cancers, insisted that I accept an orchid and some plums from his garden. This was especially surprising after his accompanying daughter whispered to me "He swore 30 years ago he'd never have a female doc", I guess He had been refered to me by someone who forgot to mention I was a girl. "So that's why he looked so shell shocked the first time I entered the room!" I wispered back.  Knowing that I was going to have to work hard to keep his favor as a female doctor,  I agreed to stop by thier home after work to get these gifts.  I guess it was my first "house call", tho my services offered were more relationship building than doctoring.  In return, I left with a beautiful orchid and some fresh plumbs.  Isn't medicine great!  Ps- he let me take his picture next to the orchid (tho you can't really see the orchid great)

Hospital ghosts

The more time I spend in hospitals the more I start encountering the ghosts of patients treated.  I would guess most doctors, nurses, dieticians, etc would say they experience this phenomenon.  The rooms stay the same, but daily and weekly different souls come to inhabit these rooms.  It becomes their home, with me visiting THEIR space, sometimes 4 and 5 times a day.  It is their ailment, attached to the body and person I visit each day that somehow lingers once they leave.


It is hard to believe that a hospital with 500 beds can have distinct rooms, but each room is like a separate house. I might spend a week visiting 89 year old Irma M in 4314: sitting by her bed, looking out her window at sunrise, standing at her door discussing her with the team as I gaze at her little 80 lb frail body.  When she moves out and Will G; a 30 something with liver failure, yellow even in his eyes, and a belly so full of fluid it's as if someone's shoved an inner tube into his stomach, it becomes disturbing.  Now when I come early in the morning to see Mr. G in 4314 I half expect Irma to poke her head around the curtain declaring some stranger is in her bed.  Her spirit hovers in that room.  If Mr G stays long enough, or I connect with him or with his disease, he too will leave a part of him in 4314.  


You can see the strangeness- day after day, experience after experience I am collecting souls.  As I walk down the hall passing 4302, 4305, 4310, I pass Betty, Vera, that guy with HIV, Ms.C, what's her name that I put a dozen dobhoff's down, etc, etc.  It can become crowded in those rooms.   I wonder if people do this in other professions?  Do teachers have students that haunt their rooms from year to year?  Do Business professionals have memories of clients that linger in their office?  Well, with this new day, I'll have to see who's "moving in", soon to permanently inherit a space in my brain. 

So, just an aside - baby did come at 3 minutes after midnight!

Today one of my patients returning to clinic for follow up said to me, "I would not be on this planet if it weren't for you"  What amazing medical feat had I done?  Did I make a stunning diagnosis in time for a lasting cure?  Did I catch a medical error that would have led to certain demise?  Did I give such glorious advice that her existence had taken on a new life-saving direction?  No.  None of that.

All I did was listen. She had been spiraling out of control, down into some dark depth. I guess I was in the right place at the right time to meet her at that bottom. Interesting that I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on education, even more hours of training and when it comes down to saving lives - I didn't need any of it.