College days

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:  My parents say goodbye to my brother after dropping him off at college. 

The weekend was a constant barrage of thoughts and emotions, both witnessed and experienced.  My brother, the last of 4, moved into college this weekend.  Being on a campus again brought back memories from my college days.  I have conflicting feelings when I think about going back and doing college again.  There is part of me that says "thank GOD" all that is over - I would really not like to repeat the last 10 years of school AGAIN.  BUT, there is also a certain part that thinks it would be fun to start again.  Especially if I could know what I know now.  I would make friends with really extreme people of different walks of life, I would possibly pick some other career, and definitely slow down. There seems to be a rush to life once college ends- hurry up and get married, hurry up and get a job, hurry up and start a family. People are always speeding to something.  Colleges are a place to just "be".  People lie on the grass and take naps in mid day, throw Frisbees after supper and talk for hours in the communal bathrooms after brushing their teeth.  When else does that happen in life!  

So, to my brother and all others starting college- enjoy.  If it's possible, open your eyes wider to cement these years into your brain. Even in the sadness of leaving family and loved ones, make that a memory- it's all a part of the experience of this time.

Orchid

I've always heard stories from "the good ol days" of patients actually bringing their doctors corn or a chicken as a thank you.  This habit, I am told, also happens in rural areas where the family doc still is a family friend.  Here in the city, and as a realaitvley new doctor, I thought these stories were more folk tale than truth. Well, it is truth now. 

One of my new patients, a 77 year old man who has survived 4 different cancers, insisted that I accept an orchid and some plums from his garden. This was especially surprising after his accompanying daughter whispered to me "He swore 30 years ago he'd never have a female doc", I guess He had been refered to me by someone who forgot to mention I was a girl. "So that's why he looked so shell shocked the first time I entered the room!" I wispered back.  Knowing that I was going to have to work hard to keep his favor as a female doctor,  I agreed to stop by thier home after work to get these gifts.  I guess it was my first "house call", tho my services offered were more relationship building than doctoring.  In return, I left with a beautiful orchid and some fresh plumbs.  Isn't medicine great!  Ps- he let me take his picture next to the orchid (tho you can't really see the orchid great)

Hospital ghosts

The more time I spend in hospitals the more I start encountering the ghosts of patients treated.  I would guess most doctors, nurses, dieticians, etc would say they experience this phenomenon.  The rooms stay the same, but daily and weekly different souls come to inhabit these rooms.  It becomes their home, with me visiting THEIR space, sometimes 4 and 5 times a day.  It is their ailment, attached to the body and person I visit each day that somehow lingers once they leave.


It is hard to believe that a hospital with 500 beds can have distinct rooms, but each room is like a separate house. I might spend a week visiting 89 year old Irma M in 4314: sitting by her bed, looking out her window at sunrise, standing at her door discussing her with the team as I gaze at her little 80 lb frail body.  When she moves out and Will G; a 30 something with liver failure, yellow even in his eyes, and a belly so full of fluid it's as if someone's shoved an inner tube into his stomach, it becomes disturbing.  Now when I come early in the morning to see Mr. G in 4314 I half expect Irma to poke her head around the curtain declaring some stranger is in her bed.  Her spirit hovers in that room.  If Mr G stays long enough, or I connect with him or with his disease, he too will leave a part of him in 4314.  


You can see the strangeness- day after day, experience after experience I am collecting souls.  As I walk down the hall passing 4302, 4305, 4310, I pass Betty, Vera, that guy with HIV, Ms.C, what's her name that I put a dozen dobhoff's down, etc, etc.  It can become crowded in those rooms.   I wonder if people do this in other professions?  Do teachers have students that haunt their rooms from year to year?  Do Business professionals have memories of clients that linger in their office?  Well, with this new day, I'll have to see who's "moving in", soon to permanently inherit a space in my brain. 

So, just an aside - baby did come at 3 minutes after midnight!

Today one of my patients returning to clinic for follow up said to me, "I would not be on this planet if it weren't for you"  What amazing medical feat had I done?  Did I make a stunning diagnosis in time for a lasting cure?  Did I catch a medical error that would have led to certain demise?  Did I give such glorious advice that her existence had taken on a new life-saving direction?  No.  None of that.

All I did was listen. She had been spiraling out of control, down into some dark depth. I guess I was in the right place at the right time to meet her at that bottom. Interesting that I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on education, even more hours of training and when it comes down to saving lives - I didn't need any of it.

It's funny how fast or quick my interpretations of events can change.  Example:  I woke up this morning and thought to myself "I think my patient who is pregnant will deliver today"  And then in half prayer half thought i wondered -what time will she come in?  10:11 came to mind.  I smiled to myself as if playing a little game. I also had a weird sense that this would be true- enough that i actually put scrubs in my bag on my way to work.   So there i sat in rounds, talking about all the patients we are taking care of.  Suddenly another resident came and whispered "your OB patient is upstairs" I looked at my watch -  Truthfully it was 10:11 exactly.   Feeling lighter than air i went to see my patient, knowing this was from God and a good sign of smooth sailing.  

Now, here i sit, actually in the hospital.  It is 9 pm and it's been a LONG day - still no baby.  What happened to my faith - so self assured this morning, thinking this would be such an easy day?  Was I wrong? Was it a trick? OR is this all still part of the plan?  Was that neat little coincidence just that?  funny how things change-  or more that we attribute goodness to God's plan and negative things to not him- - WHY?  why can't THIS all be OKAY, even when I am tired and just want to go home.  We'll see... and see what she does do AND when the baby will come!!!

I see odd things everyday.

He was an elderly man sitting in his clinic gown with his legs crossed -shoes and socks still on.  What was striking however, was the shimmery pink nail polish in patches on his face. "What doctor referred you to our dermatology clinic?" I asked.  "Aww, no one. I came on my own"  (always a bad sign - if no other doctor is worried about what ever his complaint would be).  "Well then, what's your concern?" He then enters into his story :

"There are these things, maybe like bugs, inside me that lay eggs.  Then in 24 to 36 hours they hatch and come out and crawl all over my face"  I am trying to keep a straight face as I ask, "How many of these things are we talking about?"  "Millions"  "Wow, and what do they look like?"  He scrunches his head to decide how to tell me, hesitates then says "You can't really see them with the naked eye, only with a magnifying glass or microscope"  I am now envisioning this old man in an overstuffed arm chair in his home peering at his arm with a magnifying glass. He continues "I guess they are kind of clear with a brown head" He actually starts drawing something on paper that looks like a cigarette.  "like this, I try to catch em as they burrow into my knuckles" He starts picking at his knuckles as he complains, "the worst tho is I can't sleep, I can feel them crawling all over my face all night."   The poor man had changed all of his sheets and clothes over and over again. He'd fumigated his house. These creatures didn't itch or actually bite him, just crawled and burrowed. "And the nail polish?" I quipped staring at his face which looked like a 3 year old had played make-up with him. "Oh that's too keep them inside, keep them from coming out and crawling. A friend told me it'd help."  

He actually had something dermatologists see often. It's called delusions of parasitosis. As is typical the "bugs" started crawling around 2 weeks after his wife died.  It's often connected to depression.  Interesting way for depression to manifest itself huh? I get spooked just when a hair brushes over me and I think it's a bug- I'll swat my arm or leg and scream.  Can you imagine literally feeling the sensation of hundreds of bugs moving all over your face and arms.  And more alarming, not being able to see them?  I guess I might try putting pink shiny nail polish on me face too : )

From Chambers "At critical moments it is necessary to ask guidance, but it ought to be unnecessary to be saying always - " O God, direct me here, and there."  Of course He will! If our common-sense decisions are not His order, He will press through them and check"  

To me this says - RELAX.  It's silly to go around each day worrying about the decisions we make, and boy do I make a lot of decisions, serious decisions every day.  My common sense/ gut reactions by this time in life should be in tune with what's on the inside.  If not, and I start going in a direction I shouldn't, I'll know.  One way or another GOD will let me know.

Tomorrow is change. New tasks, more hours, less sleep.  Oh well, I'll make it.